The Lady Garden

Tea and Strumpets

I know, I promised, but…

…I’m going to write about sex, again. Kind of. I try not to put the words “Garth George” and “sex” in the same sentence, lest I have to pour bleach directly onto my brain. That shit gets messy.


Dear, Mr George,

We know you dislike women. That much is clear. We’re not nearly meek and subservient enough for you, these days, are we? We don’t cook and clean and fetch your slippers and polish your knob like good little puppies anymore. We’re actually out, having lives, some of them messy, and that infuriates you.

That’s OK. I’m happy for you to live a lonely little backwards existence. If I could ignore you, and your views, I’d be a happier woman. The thing is, though, I can’t. Because you have a giant mouthpiece in the form of the New Zealand Herald, and an apparently advanced degree in missing the fucking point.

Yes, advertising has been highly sexualised for the past few decades. So, why exactly does that mean the National Council of women should shut up about it? Shouldn’t they be speaking up, and louder?

In a land awash with sexual titillation aimed at everybody from little children to the intellectually disabled to the aged, blaming a drink can featuring a cartoon character’s big boobs for “desensitising” the populace is ingenuous to say the least.

Ms Bang says: “The National Council of Women has been working for many years to improve the status of women in New Zealand and the advertising on the energy drink flies in the face of our efforts. We strongly urge those retailers selling the product to take it off their shelves.”

All I can say is the council’s hard work over many years has been not only misdirected but rather less than fruitful.

Um, first of all, do you mean disingenuous? Could it be that the Council has been working on these issues for some time, and you’ve never listened to it before? Perhaps you are tickled by Miss Helen’s melons, and don’t want it taken off the shelf.

Or maybe, it’s because this particular product – and by the way, it’s a product, not advertising – is so egregious, so offensive, that we won’t shut up? And to compare it to viagra and ciallis? Seriously. You may not like them, but come on, they have helped a lot of people.

The answer to a world which sexualises and degrades women isn’t for women to sit down and shut up about it. Except, that would be your answer to everything for women, wouldn’t it. Sit down, shut up, and cook you some fucking eggs.

As for this….

Once again, I wonder where Dr Farvid has been for the past 40 years. Shut away in an ivory tower, perhaps? Because ever since the birth control pill came on the market, women have been seeking casual sex.

Actually, no, it started happening long before then. The pill gave us freedom from the fear of pregnancy, it didn’t turn us into rabid whores overnight.

Trust me, I know. These women – and they were the quiet and unassuming vanguard of female sexual liberation – were not sluts, nor were they seen to be, except for the very, very few who genuinely were.

So…providing you are “quiet and unassuming”, you can’t be a slut? That’s where I have been going wrong all these years. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so loud when indulging in a little ‘sensory pleasure’. Once again, though, for the 1000th time, I would ask, what is the difference between those quiet and unassuming women and the sluts? What is a slut, Garth? Who decides? Because frankly, given how incoherent and confused this particular column is, I don’t think you’re fit to be the country’s moral arbiter.

For decades now most people have come to see the act of sexual intercourse as simply a physical function, much like having a meal together or playing a game of tennis, something to be indulged in purely for sensory pleasure. I really don’t think that’s the way it is supposed to be.

Why can’t it be? What is sex supposed to be? And again, who decides? You? Or each person, for themselves? Perhaps you could get down off your fucking high horse and admit, just once, that actually, you just think most women _are_ sluts, and that them being so is the root of all evil, what with our abortion-having, not respecting our elders, hedonist lifestyles.

Oh, and “Love Truncheon”, if that’s your real name. For this:

Not all women are sex objects!
Only the hot ones are.
You are a douche.

One response to “I know, I promised, but…

  1. Deborah July 21, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    I saw his visage and the misogynist soundbite on the Herald phone page, and thought, ‘I’m not going there.’ You are a very brave woman, Tallulah.

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