The Lady Garden

Tea and Strumpets

Quickie: Your Magic Boobs

Hey, ladies! Did you know, your boobs can drive men “crazy”? All by such simple techniques as pressing them against glass and applying lipstick with them?

But come on, The Frisky, why stop there? My boobs, recently described as “the size of small planets” can do so much more than drive men crazy. I like to get them to fix me a martini on a cool evening. They’re incredibly useful as a place to write reminders to myself. And, of course, you can use them to stop traffic, get out of fines, earn a promotion.

And why stop there? I’m sure, if they put their minds to it, my boobs could write a novel. They find simple equations pretty easy, so I am trying to work them up to higher maths. Why stop at sexual pleasure, and that trivial giving babies nourishment thing! Make your tits work for their keep. That empty space on your chest shouldn’t be rent free.

[Updated: Per Xanthippe’s excellent comment, what could he be doing with his ‘bollocks’ to drive you crazy? A good line in gift wrapping? We need a list of 10]

6 responses to “Quickie: Your Magic Boobs

  1. Psycho Milt October 8, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Is there any more superfluous suggestion than “Hide a surprise he’d like in your tits?” It’s like “Hide an expensive gift in a really big pile of money.”

  2. Moz October 8, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    I’m totally up for the martini idea. It’d be amazingly cool to have boobs that could make a martini. It might be more useful if you could use them to send SMS’s and make calls. Although the reaction if you were driving and got pulled over might be hilarious. “no, I was using it hands-free” šŸ™‚

  3. Xanthippe October 8, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Ah yes, but have you ever seen the World Famous *Bob* mix a martini with hers? NSFW but IFHH (Ideal For Happy Hour) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hfzn-ymZoOs

  4. Xanthippe October 8, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    (Meanwhile, I must say I’m looking forward to The Frisky’s follow-up article on 10 Things Guys Do With Their Bollocks That Make Women Crazy).

  5. Phuong October 8, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Wow. I’m still gob-smacked by the “put on lipstick” idea. Never realised I was being so lazy with my breasts. I wonder if they’re able to mow the lawn, cook dinner and do my uni assignment too…

    @tallulahspankhead: you can combine the “jump on the bed” trick with shaking the Martini. And why stop at that? I wonder what other tricks you could combine. It’ll be sure to send him to the mad house.

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